


Account of a Trial by Tattletale

by misha906 (BoopPhysics)



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:02:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28457256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoopPhysics/pseuds/misha906
Kudos: 14
Collections: The Cauldron Give-a-Fic-a-Thon





	Account of a Trial by Tattletale

Twas a week before Christmas 

And all round the den, 

A lass ran about with frenzy and distress

Hell-bent on sussing out the criminalest of criminal ken. 

Rage and alarm granted her alacrity

And woe be toward those who were caught in the calamity.

A crime had been committed, you see, one of highest order. 

One gone unanswered for and delivering assaultive odor.

Death, perhaps, would have fared her fairer

For Lisa spent hours fixing their toilet for thankless airs.

Now she romped vengeful across wood and steel

Attempting to find some sinner to bring to heel.

Firstly did our detective enlist some help,

For she had no patience to wait for her brainy whelp.

Her powers too taxed, her head already spinning from her bruised olfactor,

She decided she needed a helper to unearth this horrendous malefactor.

“Taylor,” she cried minutes later, hand upon the poor girl’s shoulder.

“Come, we really must make someone suffer.”

Thusly did they set off, one with more conviction than the other

To assemble their band of ne’er-do-wells and to assess their valor.

Already did Lisa have a notion of whodunnit

Believing it simple to condemn this delinquent nitwit

Tis plain, she believed in her heart of hearts

That my toilet clogging perpetrator shall soon be set apart.

Once assembled on couch and chair, Lisa began her scrutinous fair.

However the fair was not fair, and she found herself stonewalled by impassive stares

“Tis you,” she proclaimed, after her lonesome assessment

Bringing digit to bear in accusation and embarrassment. 

Alec startled, alarm and indignation clearing his demeanor

As he began to protest his excited prosecutor.

“Not I,” he declared, hand upon his chest and defiance in his eyes.

“It could not have been I.

I was sound in my room, all salacious and blithe

And have not been out since the clock struck nine.”

Lisa considered his testimony and found others corroborated

Or perhaps they were all in on it, and instead had collaborated.

But she had no proof of either or

And precedent demanded she question the rest of the four.

One with an alibi, with three confirming

She had to wonder if they could be conspiring.

To ensure they couldn’t she demanded they be sundered

So that her prey now could be easier surrendered.

The first suspect was a flop, a failure, a foible follied

Lisa was determined not again to be sullied.

To that end, Bitch was the second target of her ire

For Lisa wondered if it could have been her sires

“Tis you,” Lisa said. “You and yours did this deed.”

“Fuck off,” said Rachel, and Lisa paid her heed.

None for two and no closer to the truth

Lisa decided to make haste afore she lost her clues.

She leveled accusation at Brian next. “Tis you then,” she said. 

“Tis you who caused me this day’s labor and stead.

With a wad of towel, or perhaps something more unsanitary

A responsibility that I demand you now carry.”

Brian smiled, with wryness and bemusement

And claimed he’d spent the day in a basement

“Not I,” he claimed. “It could not have been I.

Like the others I have not been by.

Tis only now I have discovered this bowel crime

The epitome of a foul time.”

This denial frustrated Lisa to no end

For justice demanded someone’s life to upend.

“Then whom,” she cried, hostile and cold.

“Whom shall answer for this heinous act untold?

Committed not by you nor him nor her

Someone must answer for their odious spur!”

Brian pondered a moment before answering

“If not by those who you’ve placed under questioning

Perhaps the answer could be found in a place

You’ve thought not to disgrace?

A teammate is left to you still

One you have yet to distill.”

“Taylor?” Lisa asked, with chortle of incredulity and phlegm.

“Nay, it can not be her, she is no culprit to condemn

She is as harmless as can be, bumbling about all day as a busy bee 

And further yet she was the first to help me.

She has given none but compassion for my distraught

The culprit of this case she could be not.”

“You shan’t know until you interrogate

Possibly yet she could be your reprobate.”

Brian said with nonchalant air

With that he vanished, returning into the lair

Leaving Lisa idle, impatient, and inquisitive

Tempting her to question the last of her fugitives.

“Taylor,” she called, with anxiety and trepidation.

“Could I hopefully bother you for some elucidation?”

The girl appeared, hair and face haggard and harried.

“Of course,” she said. “What burden can I help to carry?” 

“Oh tis no great manner,” Lisa said, saccharine and lacking sass.

“I seek only this day’s divine  _ veritas _ .”

Then did Lisa begin her inquisition

Lobbing towards Taylor question after question. 

Whence, where, who, and what

A brutal line of inquiry upon Taylor she struck. 

Taylor, unaware, was swept up in that irksome tempest

Floundering and unable to find her words to protest.

Poor Lisa, already at an illogical tilt

Took Taylor’s lack of protestations as sign of guilt.

“Alas,” she declared. “My culprit is laid bare

Now the rest of this sanitation is your burden to bear.”

With that she shoved mop, plunger, and towel

Into Taylor’s arms, who looked on as helpless as a baby owl.  
  


Thusly did Lisa’s storm subside

Letting her ire vanish and roll on by.

Satisfied and burden vanished

She let the poor girl whom she banished

Sanitate visions of bathroom horror

Though Taylor knew it was not her error.

Twas a week before Christmas

And sitting on the couch

A lass howled with laughter, unseen by the mass

With her power shielding her from anyone’s touch.

Mirth and joy granted her holiday cheer

For Aisha was the true culprit, and she got away clear.


End file.
